Health Books: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown - Part 2
Discover ten guideposts to cultivate healthy habits and let go of limiting beliefs
In part 1 of our review of The Gifts of Imperfection, we explored the meaning of Brené Brown’s concept of Wholehearted living. We looked at words like love, shame, fear, and compassion and their definitions. If you missed that part, you can check it out here:
Today we’ll look at part 2: The Ten Guideposts for Wholehearted Living. We move from theory to practical advice based on Brené Brown’s research. Each guidepost is focused on cultivating a healthy life habit and letting go of limiting beliefs.
“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”
Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity
Letting go of what people think
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
Did you know authenticity is something we cultivate? For years, I thought some people have authenticity and others don’t. Brown, however, shows in her book that everyone can practice it. She calls it a “conscious choice of how we want to live”.
Authenticity is about showing ourselves openly and being honest. This requires courage because we often experience shame when we show ourselves vulnerable to the world.
However, Brown explains that being authentic has everything to do with setting the right priorities:
“If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it. I might get my feelings hurt, but I rarely feel shame. When acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn’t work out, that can trigger shame for me.”
The real reason we experience shame when showing ourselves is that we’re looking for acceptance and approval. But when our only goal is to be authentic, it doesn’t matter what people think of us.
So changing our reasons for how we behave helps us let go of what people think about us.
Guidepost #2: Cultivating Self-Compassion
Letting go of perfectionism
“To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion.”
One reason why many people suffer under the burden of perfectionism is that there are many myths surrounding the concept. As Brown writes:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best.” We try to be perfect to protect ourselves, not to achieve and grow
“Perfectionism is not self-improvement” but “trying to earn approval and acceptance”
Brown adds that:
“Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?”
Too much perfectionism often leads to life-paralysis—the consequence of missing out on many chances because we’re afraid of imperfection.
But the good news is that we can all overcome perfectionism. Brown recommends taking these two critical steps:
Exploring our fears
Changing our self-talk
Don’t expect to overcome your perfectionism from one day to the next. This will likely cause frustration and put too much pressure on yourself. Instead, see imperfection as something you practice and become better at step by step.
How to practice self-compassion
According to self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion consists of three elements:
Self-kindness
Common humanity
Mindfulness
When we are kind to ourselves, mindful of our thoughts and feelings, and aware that all human beings suffer similarly; we increase self-compassion.
Instead of beating ourselves up, we are patient when we experience setbacks. Knowing that other people suffer like we do, helps us realize that we are not alone. Neff also describes mindfulness as “not over-identifying with or exaggerating our feelings.”
Guidepost #3: Cultivating a Resilient Spirit
Letting go of numbing and powerlessness
Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.
Brown describes resilience as “the ability to overcome adversity.” So cultivating a resilient spirit helps us handle challenges much better. This helps us let go of the harmful habit of numbing ourselves and the devastating feelings of powerlessness.
Numbing means coping with negative feelings by making them feel less strong, whereas powerlessness gives us the sense that we cannot achieve anything.
Based on her research, Brown lists five common factors of resilient people:
They are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills
They ask for help
They trust in their ability to manage their feelings and coping
They have access to social support
They are connected with others
Brown sees spirituality—“shared and deeply held belief”—as the foundation of resilience. And “the heart of spirituality is connection”. Resilient people also cultivate hope, practice critical awareness, and let go of numbing.
Without cultivating hope we end up feeling powerless. This can turn into a downward spiral when we think we can’t change anything.
According to Brown,
“Tolerance for disappointment, determination, and a belief in self are the heart of hope.”
Although self-esteem is crucial, I believe hope is even more powerful when we place it in God, the creator of the universe. Basing our hope on ourselves means we have to carry all the burden and responsibility—a heavy weight to bear. Seeing ourselves as our source of hope is unsustainable.
I’ve put my hope in myself countless times but it never went well. Whenever I dared to place my hope in God, that’s when I found true peace and rest.
Brown writes that numbing is more dangerous than many people realize because we don’t just numb negative feelings but all feelings. We either numb everything or nothing—we feel or we don’t. And a life without feelings makes us feel dead.
Guidepost #4: Cultivating Gratitude and Joy
Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments—often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.
Cultivating gratitude and joy helps us let go of scarcity and fear of the dark. What does Brown mean by this? In short: Scarcity comes from the belief of not having enough. To change that limiting belief, we practice gratitude and joy.
Brown shows that joy and gratitude are closely related. Unlike happiness, joyfulness comes directly from practicing gratitude:
“Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.”
So instead of letting exterior circumstances define how we feel by chasing after happiness, we focus on joyfulness—something we have control over. Joy is something we can experience, even in times of lack, by focusing on what we have instead of what we don’t.
Similarly, author Lynne Twist says that “addressing scarcity doesn’t mean searching for abundance but rather choosing a mindset of sufficiency”. Scarcity is not measurable and defined outside of ourselves. It’s a value we set according to how we are feeling.
We can choose actively when something is enough for us. This frees us from chasing after more and helps us be content in the now.
Brown discovered that people who practice Wholehearted living also actively practice gratitude. Some activities you can do to make this part of your daily life, are:
Keeping a gratitude journal
Doing gratitude meditation or prayers
Creating gratitude art
Pausing and saying, “I am grateful for…”
But how does “fear of the dark” tie in with this picture? Brown describes it as follows:
“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”
By letting go of our fear of the dark, we make room for more joy in our lives.
Guidepost #5: Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith
Letting go of the need for certainty
“Intuition is not a single way of knowing—it’s our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we’ve developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith, and reason.”
All human beings feel a strong desire for certainty. But we often don’t realize that our wish for certainty prevents us from living a more wholesome life.
Not surprisingly, Brown also ties faith and intuition in with spirituality. She said we let go of the need for certainty when we cultivate our intuition and “trusting faith”. To her surprise, however, these concepts are also closely linked to logic and reason. She explains that:
“Intuition is not independent of any reasoning process. In fact, psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process—like a mental puzzle. The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences. Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”
Many people struggle with intuition because our need for certainty “silences our intuitive voice”. We are scared of listening to our gut because it seems too uncertain to trust.
But as for many of Brown’s guideposts, trusting our intuition is also something we learn—as strange as it may sound. By practicing to lean into our intuitive voice with small decisions we get better and better at following our gut feeling.
Brown clarifies that trusting your intuition doesn’t mean acting blindly and impulsively. Rather, our gut sometimes tells us to slow down and look for more information before we act. In short, our intuition is like a system that guides us based on all the data we gather throughout life.
The same goes for faith. It works together with reason—contrary to common belief—and it is often blocked by “our fear of the unknown and our fear of being wrong”.
“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”
Anne Lamott adds that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.”
Guidepost #6: Cultivating Creativity
Letting go of comparison
“Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared. And, without comparison, concepts like ahead or behind or best or worst lose their meaning.”
Creativity and comparison work like two opposites in our lives. We either choose one or the other. Being creative allows us to be ourselves and live a full life. Comparing focuses on “fitting in and being better than” and inhibits joyfulness. This reminds me of a quote that’s always meant a lot to me:
“If comparison is the thief of joy, then our culture is being robbed blind.” - Jon Foreman
Comparison has a contradictory nature. It tells us to be “like everyone else, but better”—to conform and compete at the same time. This sets us up for frustration and anxiety and distracts us from practicing creativity, gratitude, joy, and authenticity.
Brown shares with us what she’s learned about creativity while studying Wholehearted living:
There are no “creative people and non-creative people” but only “people who use their creativity and people who don’t”
We will only express our uniqueness through our creativity
“As long as we’re creating, we’re cultivating meaning”
Lastly, Brown shares a definition of creativity that really made me rethink my view on it. According to William Plomer it is “the power to connect the seemingly unconnected”. Have you ever seen creativity this way? It sheds a whole new light on what it really means to be creative—finding patterns in what we observe. When put that way, it’s clear that people are much more creative than they’re often aware of.
Guidepost #7: Cultivating Play and Rest
Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
“The opposite of play is not work—the opposite of play is depression.”
—Dr. Stuart Brown
The guidepost about play and rest was a true eye-opener for me. Because of my upbringing, I became an “over-achiever”—someone who looks for self-worth in always doing more.
I realized that “play” was nearly absent in my childhood. This realization significantly increased my understanding of my mental and emotional struggles. A child restricted in play will miss out on much cognitive development. I also discovered it lies at the root of some of my traumas.
If you’re interested in learning more about play, I recommend Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul by Dr. Stuart Brown. I haven’t read it yet but it is one of the first on my list of books I want to read.
It turns out play is at the core of Wholehearted living and it’s “as essential to our health and functioning as rest.” Unfortunately, nowadays playing doesn’t form a big part of our lives. It’s seen as a waste of time or childish. But it turns out we all need it, no matter our age.
Play forms part of creativity and, as we learned, being creative leads to a fulfilling life. Perhaps most surprisingly: Play will benefit our work and increase productivity—unlike what people think.
But play is not complete without rest. For a balanced life, it’s crucial to combine both. As Brown describes:
“If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.”
When we incorporate more play and rest into our lives, we stop striving for things in the future and start living in the now.
Guidepost #8: Cultivating Calm and Stillness
Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle
“I can’t function in this much anxiety anymore. I don’t need to figure out a way to keep going with this level of anxiety—I need to figure out how to be less anxious.”
Brown tells her personal story of anxiety as a lifestyle. She reached a point where she experienced dizzy spells from constant anxiety. This formed a turning point for her because she decided to work on her mental health instead of always pushing through.
In short, she became more anxiety-aware:
“A way of living where anxiety was a reality but not a lifestyle, … cultivating calm and stillness, … and making these practices the norm.”
We let go of anxiety as a lifestyle by cultivating calm and stillness. Brown sees calm as “creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity” and describes stillness as follows:
“Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.”
But how do we embrace more calm and stillness in our lives? Brown gives several tips:
Counting to ten before responding
Allowing ourselves to say, “I’m not sure. I need to think about this some more.”
Identifying emotions that trigger reactivity and practicing non-reactive responses
Taking a deep breath before responding
So calm and stillness don’t mean shutting ourselves up or allowing no expression. Instead, it’s about reacting less to strong emotions and taking more time to think before we respond. In short, it’s learning to be less emotionally reactive.
Guidepost #9: Cultivating Meaningful Work
Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
—Howard Thurman
In guidepost number 9, Brown writes about “meaningful work”. She sees the following factors as closely related to it:
Gifts and talents
Spirituality
Making a living
Commitment
Supposed to’s
Self-doubt
As you can see from the list, some factors benefit meaningful work and others block it. When looking at people who practice Wholehearted living, Brown noticed a pattern concerning meaningful work: It’s closely linked to gifts and talents.
When we use our gifts and talents to give to the world, we are most connected to God and the people around us. But since all of us need to make a living, meaningful work takes a lot of commitment because it doesn’t always pay the bills.
Two other obstacles to meaningful work are supposed to’s and self-doubt—“letting our fear undermine our faith”. Brown describes the concept of “supposed to” as “the battle cry of fitting in, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and proving ourselves”.
So self-doubt and following supposed to’s keep us from doing meaningful work. But as we learn to let these go, we move more and more towards creating meaning in our lives.
“Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we’re enough and letting go of what the world says we’re supposed to be and supposed to call ourselves.”
Guidepost #10: Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance
Letting go of being cool and “always in control”
“Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are not alone.”
Lastly, Brown proposes an alternative to the habit of trying to be cool and “always in control”: Cultivating laughter, song, and dance. These three activities enable us to connect with those around us, move us emotionally, and allow us to practice vulnerability.
She describes the concept of knowing laughter, which:
“Embodies the relief and connection we experience when we realize the power of sharing our stories—we’re not laughing at each other but with each other.”
Knowing laughter also helps us heal and is a “spiritual form of communing”; without saying anything we know we are aligned with each other when we laugh together.
Laughter, song, and dance can be seen as forms of expression that allow us to share our joy. This, in turn, helps us connect on a deeper level. But we only experience these joyful moments when we learn to let go of being cool and in control.
Although many of us fear such open expression, there are ways to get used to it. Through practice, we become aware that laughter, song, and dance offer us more joy than shame in the long run. Or as Brown puts it:
“Life is way too precious to spend it pretending like we’re super-cool and totally in control when we could be laughing, singing, and dancing.”
Conclusion
My goal was to write a short, simple review of part 2 of Brené Brown’s book. As often happens to me, it turned out much longer and more complex than I anticipated. But this is exactly why I felt compelled to read The Gifts of Imperfection: I long to let go of imperfection and cultivate more wholesome ways of living.
If you feel the same, I hope this summary is helpful to you. Let’s move toward a Wholehearted life together—one step at a time 😉
“Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth” - the hardest!
I remember when I let go of the fear of the dark and went outside to bring some washing in at night time - literally!
Brene brown is a very clever woman. All aspects outlined here, I’ve encountered them all on my healing journey. Patiently practicing all of these - every single one - over the years, has led to an enormous amount of healing and improved health to such an extent that I’ve never been this healthy and well in my adult hood (I’m nearly 45)