Health Books: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown - Part 1
How courage, compassion, and connection are the foundation for a Wholehearted life and help you live and love with your whole heart
Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection draws from her research on Wholehearted living. She developed ten guideposts (coming up in Part 2) for this way of living, which help cultivate Wholehearted practices and let go of limiting habits and beliefs.
According to Brown, the gifts of imperfection “are courage, compassion, and connection”. Today we’ll look at what she means by that. We’ll also explore Brown’s concept of “a Wholehearted life”—based on 10,000+ interviews she did with men and women who “live with their whole heart”.
What are the gifts of imperfection?
In The Gifts of Imperfection, we read about three gifts that arise as side effects of imperfection:
Courage
Compassion
Connection
Brown calls them gifts because, once they’re part of your life, “these gifts just keep giving”—but only when we embrace being “imperfect and real”.
Imperfection has everything to do with being vulnerable. When we show our vulnerabilities, this cultivates courage and compassion and helps us experience true connection with others.
To cultivate a Wholehearted lifestyle, Brown encourages her reader to “let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are”. This is easier said than done and requires courage, compassion for ourselves, and true connection with the people around us.
Courage, compassion, and connection are also active, life-long practices. They multiply when we actively practice them ourselves. When we show courage, others are inspired to be courageous. When we show compassion, others are inspired to be compassionate. And when we reach out to connect, it inspires more connection.
To move from abstract phrases like “vulnerability” and “letting go”, Brown provides definitions for each concept in her book—carefully constructed through her research of over ten years. Let us first look at the three gifts of imperfection.
1. Courage
The contemporary view on courage seems quite different from its original meaning. It’s often equated with physical strength—fighting, climbing, bungee jumping…
But as Brown points out, courage comes from the Latin word for heart (cor). The original meaning is “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”
So being courageous has more to do with what goes on inside of us than what we show on the outside. Courage is expressed through vulnerability—by speaking out what we have in our hearts.
If you’d like to read more about courage, check out my Medium article on the meaning of “courage” based on its etymology.
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
2. Compassion
Like courage, the word compassion also has a different meaning than many think. We might see compassion as a top-down act—practiced by someone better off toward someone in need—as if the compassionate person is not in the same position as the one receiving compassion.
But Brown says the word compassion means “to suffer with”, from the Latin pati—to suffer—and cum—with. We don’t suffer for people but with them. We practice compassion when we feel with another person because we are going or have gone through the same. As Pema Chödrön described:
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
Compassion needs boundaries
Brown also clears up a common misconception about compassion: Many people think setting boundaries means being unkind. But to be compassionate we need boundaries—as counterintuitive as that may seem. The only way to have true compassion is with the right boundaries in place.
One other requirement for compassion is acceptance. We need to accept others and ourselves to be compassionate. But acceptance is impossible without healthy boundaries. “It’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us”, Brown adds.
To Brown, setting boundaries means holding people accountable for their behavior. To compassionately set a boundary, we need to “separate people from their behaviors—to address what they’re doing, not who they are”.
3. Connection
In The Gifts of Imperfection, we find the following definition of connection:
“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
The current view in science is that the need for connection lies in our biology and “the connectedness we experience in our relationships impacts the way our brain develops and performs”.
Two contemporary conceptions in our society stand in the way of real connection: Mistaking technology for connecting and the “myth of self-sufficiency” (thinking we can do everything alone).
We often think we get the connection we need from online interaction. However, this can never replace face-to-face interaction and is rather a counterfeit. If we try to fulfill our needs for connectedness with technology, we end up with mental issues sooner or later. The same happens if we believe we are self-sufficient and don’t need anyone.
How perfectionism, love, and shame relate to each other
One reason why many of us struggle with embracing imperfection is our fear of missing out on love and belonging. Because we are afraid of not being accepted or of looking bad, we avoid feeling vulnerable. But only through vulnerability can we experience the true connection that leads to love and belonging.
Brown argues that perfectionism is closely related to shame and fear. “Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact, shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.” It’s this combination of shame and perfectionism that often keeps us from love and belonging—two things that all human beings deeply long for.
Shame can also be seen as our “fear of being unlovable”. It makes us feel like we don’t have what it takes to deserve to be loved and to belong.
Our worthiness and the struggle of “supposed to”
According to Brown, to “experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging”. The key to acknowledging our worthiness is in embracing who we are right now instead of who we think we are supposed to be.
“Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when.”
Brown describes this as the difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in is all about who you are supposed to be by changing who you are. Belonging is about letting go and being who you are.
““Supposed to”—the battle cry of fitting in, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and proving ourselves.”
We can also express the prerequisite of believing in our worth like this: We need to love ourselves to be loved by others. In the same way, “we can only love others as much as we love ourselves”.
In my life, I’ve discovered that love goes even a step further. As long as I focused only on loving myself and others, it felt incomplete. Once I found God’s love for me and embraced it fully, I was able to fully love myself and others as myself.
“How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.”
Breaking free from shame and fear
How do we break the grip of shame and fear to experience love and belonging? By talking about it. The most powerful weapon against shame is sharing our struggles with someone we trust.
“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way—especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.”
This is another point where shame ties in with perfectionism. As Brown puts it: “Shame loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.” As long as we hold on to perfectionism, it will be impossible to open up about the shame we feel. We believe we need to keep it all together, so talking about our vulnerabilities doesn’t seem like an option for us.
But the more we keep silent about our shame, the more power it has over us. It’s like we get stuck in a loop. Two realizations that can help break free from this grip, are the following: We all experience shame and are all afraid to talk about it.
Once you realize this, it might help you start to open up about your struggles. And when you do, the shame will lose its grip on you.
“DIG deep”—Brown’s method to pull through life’s hardships
Sometimes we feel like we cannot handle situations but we still need to pull through them, which Brown calls “digging deep”. She used to force herself to get through this by “pushing through, soldiering on, and sucking it up”. She realized this approach was physically, mentally, and spiritually wearing her down. So she decided to look for a healthier way.
By interviewing thousands of men and women who practice Wholehearted living, Brown developed a new method she refers to as “DIG deep”.
People who practice the DIG deep method get:
“Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions;”
“Inspired to make new and different choices;”
“Going. They take action.”
There are many ways to implement this method. For example, when I feel exhausted I first take a nap and then do my chores. I avoid breakdowns and even do my work faster and better when I’m rested.
In the past, I ignored my body’s signals and forced myself to do the housework before I rested. The tasks took forever and were only half-done. And worst of all: I completely collapsed and needed a lot of time to recover.
We get deliberate by reminding ourselves of our values, principles, and goals. We get inspired by asking others for help, reading a book, or simply being in awe of the wonders of nature. We get going by changing scenery, reaching out to others, or taking the first step in a project we’re working on.
To sum up, what is the essence of Wholeheartedness? Brown illustrates it with the following questions:
“How do we engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to recognize that we are enough—that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?”
More coming up in part 2!
To practice what I’ve learned from The Gifts of Imperfection, I will not push through and soldier on, but leave some of the work for the next newsletter 😉 In part 2, we’ll look into the ten guideposts Brown developed to live a Wholehearted life. See you there! 💛
What do you think about Brené Brown’s Wholehearted life? What resonates with you and how could it enrich your life? Is there anything you would add to Brown’s concept? I’d love to know your thoughts on this week’s book!